I am a mother of two, an eight and ten year old. W hile I am no expert on child development, I have gained some insight from experience. Today, I would like to share the observation of my daughter’s dependency – from her arrival in this world till she turned two years of age.

A mother can instinctively detect the tiniest changes in her baby just from looking at her eyes, lips and facial expression. At about five months old, my daughter began to show signs of reliance on me.

Bursting into tears as soon as I stepped away, she would cling onto me and refuse to be fed or put to bed by others. By 12 months, she could stand firmly and was attempting to walk. W ith every step, she yearned to explore new ground and revealed a desire of conducting her own independent activities.

The co-existence of her deep reliance on me and the desire for independent
activities may seem to contradict but is quite explicable. Having grown accustomed to my constant care, she has equated my presence as a source of comfort and protection, hence enforcing her dependence on me.
Yet her curiosity, now aided with mobility, beckoned her to explore, giving rise to the desire for independent activity.

In times when her desire to explore took over, she would venture out of the room. After satisfying her curiosity, she would revert back to her dependency and look for me.

Upon realization that I was not by her side, and she was in a room surrounded by unfamiliar faces, her need for security and protection would surface and cause her to start wailing.

In her best interest

When she turned one, it was time, and my responsibility, to manage her struggle between these two traits. I recognized that by creating opportunities
for her to engage in activities independently, she could become more broad-minded and extroverted.

On the other hand, to confine her by my side would lead to a lack of confidence and her becoming timid when in contact with strangers. This is extremely disadvantageous to her growth and development.

What are some good ways to begin?

During her transition from milk to solid foods, the need for reliance is diminished, which makes it the right setting to introduce independence.
Allow her to take ¡®orders¡¯ from adults, for example, to help fetch something and wait. I nsist on her completing the task even if she is not doing it well.

When she starts to walk, remove the baby carriages and let her wander about the house. Encourage her to explore on her own and make no fuss over smeared clothes or the inevitable bumps or bruises collected
along the way.

When she slips or fall, remain calm because being panic-stricken only fuels her crying. P ersuade her to stand again on her own and if she cannot do it by herself, gently whisper words of encouragement and give her a helping hand.

I realized that by consciously allowing her to explore freely while keeping watch from a calculated distance,

each tiny step she takes is a step towards building independence.

Witnessing her transformation

My daughter is eight years old now. She still whines occasionally and wants to be hugged every night before going to bed. W hen I ’m away on trips, she’ll be reluctant to end our phone conversations. However, her independence is well-recognized by her teachers and peers.

Once, on the eve of her first performance in a school play, she sneaked up to me and said: “Mum, I’m a little frightened of performing before the entire
school tomorrow.”

I knew that it would be useless to try reasoning in that situation, so I replied instead: “Mummy used to get frightened onstage too, until I came up with a great solution. I imagined I was a happy rabbit and the people in the audience were really carrots and vegetables.Since rabbits like carrots and vegetables, seeing them made me happy and no longer frightened.”

The next day, she brightly announced: “Mum, I imagined they were all carrots and vegetables and received an additional round of applause today!”

When I asked her why, she explained that the players left their junk onstage after the performance while she scrambled back to pick her mess. The audience applauded her for doing so and I was proud that she carried out her independent judgment.

The independence of a child largely comes from nurturing. As long as parents are aware that a child needs freedom to learn independence and work along this guiding principle, it will equip the child with an essential tool that will serve her well for the rest of her life.

Zhu Dan Hua, mother of two

text originally written in Chinese