I would like to share my experience as a single mother.
When our little prince was 11 months old, I decided to divorce my ex-husband. However, to gain custody of our son, I had to lose all that I owned. At that time, many friends advised me to let my ex-husband raise our child so I could lead an easy life. I t would also be easier for me to look for a new partner if I was not hampered by a child.Furthermore, to raise a kid on my own was not simple.

I understood their misgivings and concern but it did not affect my decision. To be with my son, I would give up my limbs, for he is my source of joy.

The Price For Happiness

The custody of my son cost me all my possessions. Besides selling the car and house, I had to bear certain liabilities. Although under the circumstances, I could resort to the law and apply for his custody, I did not want to wait for two to even four years to go through the whole legal process and subject my son to being passed back and forth between his parents. Such instability would be too painful for any kid to bear and may scar his childhood forever, so I chose to take immediate measures. W ith agreement from both parties, I took all responsibility for my son and looked towards building a happy childhood for him.

My son has no impression of his father as we lost contact soon after our divorce. From young, he was made aware that in his family unit, there is only mother and child. I never overstate or conceal things about his father from
him, nor do I bad-mouth my ex-husband because doing so would not lead to any positive outcome.

Frankly I do not hate my ex-husband. While it may be too strained to say I am grateful to him, I am thankful we have created such a lovely and clever child. Perhaps we were only destined to meet and not destined to
spend our lives together.

Life was particularly tough during the initial two years after the divorce. My family and friends felt resentful and often complained about how life has
dealt me an unfair hand. At times they openly criticized my ex-husband in front of my son and though he was too young to comprehend their criticisms, I stopped them immediately.

I told them that if they really cared for me or loved my son and me, they had to stop criticizing my ex-husband for that would not change anything. More
importantly, it was terrible behavior and I did not want my son to grow up in a hostile environment.

Growing and Healing Others

Throughout his growing years, my child cannot avoid questions about his father, which makes him somewhat uncomfortable. From the view point of child psychology, kids from two to four years old are highly egocentric and think that everything, good or bad, is related to them. Therefore, I seize every opportunity to assure him that the decision of his parents splitting has
nothing to do with him.

He once asked me if his father loved him, and why he chose to leave us. To take the easy way out, I could have simply replied that his father really loved him but that would be lying and I think white lies sometimes result in greater harm, which may have a negative impact on his personality. Therefore, I replied that his father loved him but he loved himself more, so he chose to leave. I love myself too, but I love my child more, so I chose to live with him and create a life that we both enjoy.

I always regard my kid as an independent individual, letting him learn that he can think and do things on his own. I exchange ideas and share with him the joys and sorrows of life. My son and I share many interests and he is never in want of love. He enjoys being with people and gets along well with anybody. Three minutes into meeting someone new, he will be talking to that person as if he has known him for years.

His warm personality derives partly from me and my attitude towards life. I like to show affection and gratitude to all my family and friends. They also give him lots of care, love and blessings. Everyone adores him and he adores everyone. I t is a virtuous circle. He is destined to be a kid showered with love.

He even told me once that he felt so loved by many. When I asked him who he was referring to, he rattled a long list starting with me, my father and mother (his grandparents), his uncle, aunt XX, uncle XX, etc… I t was
very comforting to witness his joy. When I work in G uangzhou, my company often organizes various charity activities and when possible, I bring him along to the orphanages and rest homes so he can come into contact with the various spheres of society at an early age.

I teach him to share with others what he has and I want him to learn that the children at the orphanages are no different from him except that destiny has placed them in a different situation. And look how happy the senior people in the rest homes are from his visits! I want him to know that he has a lot to
give because he is not lacking in love. Whenever I am feeling lousy or fragile, my son hugs me. He realizes his mother is not a super woman
and it makes him feel important that he is able to do something for his mother to help her feel better.

Being Father and Mother

Many single mothers feel they fail to provide their kids with a ‘complete’ family so they tend to do many things to compensate. I disagree with this and feel it is not the correct attitude. W hen you do too much for your kids just to ‘make up’ to them, it distorts their values. Since we have decided to bring up the kids on our own, we have the responsibility to teach them the right values.

Our children are here not as our consolation prizes and we need to take responsibility for their proper upbringing. I know it is not easy, but it is a worthy aspiration that we should be committed to. For kids, parents are their best and most understanding guardians but this becomes especially
challenging for single mothers who have to assume the roles of both father and mother. W e make mistakes and become impatient from being too tired. W hen I am wrong, I do not deny my faults as I want my son to know that nobody is perfect and what matters is that one must learn from mistakes.

I always follow a central principle – Be, Do and Have. Be is the attitude. D o is the behavior. Have is the results. In other words, my attitude affects my behavior, which produces the results. W henever I feel gloomy or depressed, I adjust my attitude as I believe children are our mirrors and they become what we are.

When you are optimistic, your kids will be optimistic. When you feel you lack nothing, your kids will know how to be satisfied. W hen you are confident, your children will learn to take things easy. Everything that a child
is or does is a reflection of us and this is the heavy responsibility that parents shoulder.

It’s been four years since the divorce and things are progressing as I planned and hoped for. My son is a happy and contented boy. He no longer thinks that it is inappropriate to be in a family without a father. He is even pleased to see that while others cannot choose their father, he gets to vote should there be a prospective father in the future horizon.

Finally, I want to reinforce that while it is not easy being a single mother, it is not always painful. When we see our kids grow happily and healthily under our charge, are we not the happiest and most satisfied?

May all single mothers and their little princes and princesses grow up happily!

Shannon, single mother of one

text originally written in Chinese